


a love that won't sit still

by Insomiak



Category: Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2016-09-14
Packaged: 2018-08-15 00:17:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8034595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Insomiak/pseuds/Insomiak
Summary: “You’re starting to,” Clary says, “And I get it—I’m sure Magnus gets it too. Jace is gone. But the whole time my mother was missing…” She shakes her head. “You don’t just forget everyone else, Alec.” Clary puts a hand on his arm. Alec looks at it like it’s something he’s never seen before.  “Okay?”





	a love that won't sit still

**Author's Note:**

> This is for [Jaimie](http://sarcasticlightwood.tumblr.com)! She liked it so mission accomplished.
> 
> I'm still working on mbsfyw. I'm a full time grade two teacher now, and I'm working in China, so it's taking awhile. But I write a little bit almost everyday. :)
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

* * *

 

Alec eyes the line of Greater Demons as they come over the mound of a far-off hill. Izzy, Clary, Magnus, and even Simon — who is fighting with them out of a desperate need for numbers — take off bounding towards them.Alec knocks an arrow back, crouching low behind a large tree in a sparse field.

This is the type of fight he feels most comfortable in. Where there’s a lot of open air and he can see siblings and friends. Where he can watch their backs with ease.Alec breathes in deeply before letting one arrow fly, sending it soaring towards Izzy’s left. It sinks directly between what Alec’s thinks are the demon’s ears, and the beast shatters to dust as it dies.

They’d come here to defend one of the many entrances to the Seelie Realm. Why Valentine wants access to it is a mystery to them, but it can’t be for any good reason.Alec just hopes this isn’t a means to distract them from some other plan he has.

He knocks another arrow, watching a small shax demon scurry its way toward Clary’s back. Alec picks it off, and three more following it, all in a seamless, quick string.It’s well past midnight, but the moon and every star are out so he doesn’t need his Nyx rune to see.

Without conscious permission his eyes search out a the purple shirt Magnus is wearing. Alec doesn’t mean to, but everyone is handling their own fights and he knows he has a moment. Though that doesn’t make it a smart move.

This is the first time Alec’s ever been with a warlock in battle — with Magnus in battle — aside from the first time they’d met, which Alec thinks doesn’t count. He doesn’t know everything that Magnus can and can’t do. Luke had called them out here in a hurry — they hadn’t gone over tactics. Alec doesn’t know how to guard Magnus’s back, or even if he should.

He thinks he should.

Immortals can die, he’s known that from the start. Ragnor’s death had just made it a blunt reality.A shax demon and a lowered guard was all it had taken.He wonders, not for the first time, if Ragnor might still be alive if Alec had gone on the mission with them.He hates himself for thinking it because of course Clary and Jace had done their best — and Magnus had been there, too — but he can’t help wondering. He’s always watching everyone’s back. His guard is _never_ lowered. It’s something he’s always thought he’s good at, even if it is a thorn in his personal life.

The worst thought though — the one that kept him up the night he’d heard about Magnus’s friend — is that it could have just as easily been Jace or Clary or Magnus.The shax demon probably attacked Ragnor to keep the Book of the White hidden, but how capable is a shax demon at following an order? It could have made a mistake. It could have killed any of them.

Alec is used to fighting along side Izzy and Jace, and he’s even getting used to Simon and Clary, too. He’s had time to think about it realistically, to recognize the fact that they could die.That if he’s not good enough, they _will_ die. He’s had time to gather himself and force himself to be calm so he can concentrate.He’s had years as a soldier to perfect the act.

But he’s not used to thinking that way about _Magnus_.

Alec doesn’t want him here.

There’s too much between them, and still not enough, for it to end so suddenly.

Alec’s heart speeds up whenever Magnus gets close to a demon.He watches blue light surge from his hands and every single beast falls to the earth, crumbling under the weight of potent magic. There’s no need for him to worry, Alec knows. Magnus is powerful. Magnus is four centuries old. Magnus is smart, capable, dextrous, and stronger than Alec could ever imagine.

But he can’t stop watching him.

There’s a large demon between Magnus and Clary, who are both busy with two or three smaller ones. Alec sets an arrow, pulling the bow back to be ready. The cool night air blows past him as a breeze picks up, and he curses.The demon slithers towards Clary, going for her long bright red hair—an easy target Alec has warned her about on _numerous_ occasions, but she refuses to listen.

When the wind calms he lets the arrow soar, the line straight and neat, heading for the demon’s chest.

It’s nearly made contact with its target when Magnus steps into its path, making to fight the demon off himself.

Alec’s heart lurches and his throat constricts, just as the arrow sinks into Magnus’s back. His chest goes cold and his head burns hot, all the air leaving him in a forced rush. 

He breaks into a run, even though he shouldn’t, even though every time he’s ever gone over this possible scenario in training he’d always been taught not to leave his position, no matter what.

Alec runs like hell is at his heels. 

Before he’s made it all the way to him, Magnus reaches with a hand and yanks the arrow out of his back. Blood drops from the wound but it seems to miss Magnus’s notice as he turns the arrow around in his hand and slams it through the side of the demon’s head. He sends a surge of magic through his hand. It flows into the arrow and into the beast. The demon writhes onto the ground, dying in a surge of blue light.

Alec’s eyes widen and he’s panting when he asks in a hurried rush, “Are you okay?”

Magnus whips around, eyes widening when he sees Alec standing there. His cat eyes are out, green and infused with bright swirling magic. For a second Alec forgets where he is.

“I’m _fine_ Alec, go back!”

Alec knows Magnus doesn’t mean to sound condescending, but he feels stupid anyway.

 

* * *

 

When the demons are depleted and the portal to the Realm is secure, everyone piles into the back of Simon’s van. Clary is sat up front with Simon, Izzy in the seat behind them, and Alec is sitting in the back with Magnus.

He’d fucked up, he knows he did. He’s never hit Izzy or Jace before. He’s never hit anything except for his intended target. Alec has been shooting arrows since he was five.

He doesn’t miss. He hadn’t missed, really. Magnus had jumped in front of the arrow, trying to help Clary. But Alec should’ve known he would—should’ve noticed some pre-movement in his muscles, should’ve realized that Magnus would have her back.He’d reacted too quickly. He’d been distracted.

Magnus hisses softly beside him, bringing Alec out of his own head. He has his spine twisted and his neck craned, a hand over the pulsing hole in his back. He’s pulled half his shirt up to reach the wound. It looks uncomfortable, and worse than that it looks painful.Alec had caused it — he’d screwed up and shot _Magnus_. It should have pieced his lungs, and Alec wonders if the only reason he’s not dead is because of some protective spell he’d used.

What if it had been his head? Or a few inches over to his heart?

Alec watches Magnus’s expression twist and knot into frustration, watches the lines of his neck tighten, his chest contract with an obvious ache that must flood all the way to his toes, with the way his feet shift.

Alec wants to do something. Magnus’s free hand is lying flat on the metal floor of the van. Alec looks at it, feels his fingers twitch. 

Something as simple as that, as comforting, seems impossible.It had been one thing to grab him by the front of his suit and drag him into a kiss. Alec had been overcome, his heart begging him to give in. It was a moment full of gravity and he knew unequivocally and without a doubt that he _needed_ to do it.

This is harder. A simple touch. He doesn’t need to do this.

Magnus’s knuckles curl as he hisses again, sending another wave of magic over the wound. Alec feels his chest tighten at the sound.

 

* * *

 

By the time they’re inside the Institute, Magnus has his shirt pulled back down, and all the blood is gone from his skin and clothes.He looks like he’d been out dancing all night, rather than fighting demons in the dark with three shadowhunters and a novice vampire.

“Everyone alright?” Luke asks the moment they’re inside the main floor of the Institute. He’d waited for them there, having gone into the Faerie Realm to warn the queen.

Normally Alec answers for them, when their mother asks for status reports or the like.But he finds his words are stuck in his throat, finds it hard to keep his eyes from jumping over to Magnus’s back.

Clary eyes him and then looks at Luke. “We’re all fine.”

“Nothing got inside the Realm?”

“Nothing.”

Alec watches Magnus roll his shoulders back.Shadowhunter weapons are built to be effective against more than just demons. They hurt downworlders, too.

“Any idea why Valentine might want in?” Izzy asks Luke. 

“No clue.”

Alec draws a line with his eyes from Magnus’s jaw to the tips of his painted fingers. He wonders when he had time to paint them, between looking for Jace and keeping Valentine’s demons at bay. But he likes the idea of Magnus sitting at home curled up on his couch, his hand laid flat on the armrest and carefully, but effortlessly — like he seems to do everything — painting each nail. Alec wonders if he talks to himself when he does it, or if he sings, or if he laughs at the endless memories that flow through his mind. He wonders what kind of tea he drinks, what he wears to bed, and where he finds all his clothes. He wonders how Magnus got his job as High Warlock. He wonders if Magnus is a morning person, is sad that he doesn’t know.

As his gaze moves up to brown eyes — ones that aren’t looking back at him — Alec wonders if Magnus glamours them even when he’s alone, and why he never shows them to Alec outside of combat. He wonders if Magnus thinks Alec won’t like them.

There’s a sinking feeling in his stomach, suddenly. It’s dull, heavy, and loud.

“Alec?”

His voice scratches when he speaks. “Oh—” He tears his gaze away from Magnus’s eyes, tries to tear his mind away from wondering what it would be like to wrap an arm around his waist. “What?”

“No, we didn’t find out anything new,” Clary says, answering the unheard question in Alec’s stead.

“If we’re all finished for the night?” Magnus says, raising an eyebrow at Clary.

She smiles at him.“Yes, Magnus.” She sets a hand on his arm. Alec’s eyes drop to it. “Thank you. We would’t’ve made it without you.”

“My pleasure, biscuit. If you require my assistance again, please call.” He covers her hand with his own, holding it for a moment before they break contact. “Goodnight.”

His retreating back fills Alec’s vision. There’s no hole where his arrow had pierced. There’s just soft, pretty purple fabric. It’s as if it never happened, disappeared in a flash of magic, leaving nothing but his back to stare at.

It’s just as built and steady as the rest of him. Alec has had dreams, ones he barely remembers, refuses to remember, is afraid to remember, of falling asleep pressed against that back. Or wrapped in those arms. Or held together with those hands.

Alec wants to follow Magnus to the Institute’s main entrance and kiss him goodbye. He wants to grab his arm and say Wait, turn around, _please_.Alec wants to press into his back and kiss the side of his neck, wants every ounce of warmth Magnus has to offer. He wants to hold him. He wants to lose himself again, like their first and only kiss.

Magnus is gone in seconds. Seconds that Alec feels slip past him like a careless breeze, seconds that are lost to him forever.

 

* * *

 

The next day, they find a lead on Valentine’s location. They need information from Magnus before they can go searching, so they’re in his home that evening.

Alec can count the number of times he’s been in Magnus’s loft on one hand. When they’d first met, when they’d saved Luke, when he’d asked Magnus to help his sister, when Magnus had asked him to reconsider his marriage, and when they’d gone after Camille. Every instance, except the second time, had been for work — or under the guise of it.

Alec has wanted to come over, but it’s not about what he wants. It’s never about what he wants. It’s about his job, Jace, his mother. He hadn’t been just making excuses when he’d said so to Magnus: family means _everything_ to him. Alec always pictured himself stepping into the spaces his mother and father left behind, becoming the acting head of the Institute and making them proud. He’d imagined growing old at the Institute a thousand times. He’s imagined having kids there, or at least hoped Izzy and Jace might, his own situation not as forthcoming in that regard. Alec doesn’t want to lose all of that: Izzy and Jace and Max, their future together. He can’t let it fall apart. They need him to keep it together.

Spending time with Magnus always seems like he’s doing something wrong.It’s as if he’s corroding the future he’s built for himself. His mother’s words and words from faceless voices drift in his mind, telling him being gay is counteractive towards family, that the Clave’s views are concrete laws, that he’s ruining something by seeing another man, and a downworlder at that.

But Alec doesn’t believe it.He knows it’s only a stigma. He knows he can be with Magnus and still chase after the future he wants — thinks Magnus is part of that.

Alec is more than ready to stand up to the Clave. He’s tired of living like he’s playing a part, a method actor trapped in his own life. He wants to be as much of himself as he can be. He’d decided that when he’d kissed Magnus.

It just seems impossible, sometimes, to do what he wants.

“Alec?”

He’s never gotten to before.

“Alec.”

It feels like he’s breaking some rule.

“ _Alec_.”

He snaps to attention, eyes jumping from a wall to look down at his sister.“Huh?”

“What’s up with you lately?” Her gaze pierces him square in the eyes.

Alec shrugs. “Nothing.” She raises a meticulously tweezed eyebrow at him, her hand on her hip. Alec frowns. “What?”

“We’re done,” she says as if she’s explaining it to a small child, “We can go now.”

Alec mentally flounders for a moment. How can they be finished? Hadn’t they just gotten here?

Had he really zoned out that long?

He’s just a little distracted, thinking about everything.There’s been too much on his mind lately. No—not lately. Ever since he’d met Magnus, there’s been a lot to think about.

Alec looks over to say goodbye to him, since he apparently missed the entire conversation, and wants to at least do that.

But Magnus is wearing a dark red satin shirt that hugs his arms and all intentions of saying goodbye scatter from his mind. Alec had known, _does_ know, that Magnus is built. Underneath his clothes there are muscles and curves and swells he’s scarcely let himself think about.But the shirt and their proximity and being in his _home_ brings everything to the front of Alec’s mind.Magnus’s body, and their single kiss, and the weeks gone by uneventfully. The fact that he’d shot Magnus last night. That he never shows Alec his real eyes. That there are a lot of things they need to talk about.

And Magnus—

“Do you want to stay?” Izzy asks him.

Alec tries his best to pretend she hadn’t shoved him out of a daydream. “Hm?”

“We can do this without you,” she says, her arms folded and lips curving up, “And you can catch up with us in the morning.”

“In the morning?”

Izzy just smirks at him.

Oh. 

After a hard thud, his heart quickens its pace to match the fleet footed sprint of a deer, pounding its feet into the ground as it bounds away from what it fears most.

 _Oh_.

Alec takes in a quick breath through his nose. “No,” he says, and he doesn’t miss the light leaving Magnus’s eyes, or the slack to his shoulders. “I’d better stay on-mission.”

His sister huffs loudly and says, “Suit yourself, big brother.” Then she turns to Magnus.She takes his hand, holding it like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Alec feels his heart grow heavy. “Thank you, Magnus.If you need anything from us, just text.”

Magnus replies but all Alec can focus on is the way he squeezes his sister’s hand back.

Simon and Clary both thank Magnus, too. 

Alec’s eyes skip over to dark brown ones, but he doesn’t say anything, and flits them away just as fast.

Moments later, Alec is alone with his sister, Clary, and Simon, just outside Magnus’s door.

“Why don’t you stay?” Izzy asks him, turning around so he can’t continue down the hall. Her lips are drawn down, her hands on her hips again. “We’ve got this.”

Alec glowers at her. “I’m leading this mission.”

“We’re just going to pick up some old stone. We’ll text you when we have it.”

“I need to—”

“What, supervise?” Clary cuts in. She snorts at him. “You’re in no condition to watch our backs right now.Stay here.”

“What’s _that_ supposed to mean?” He squares his shoulders and furrows his eyebrows at her.

It has no effect. Clary sighs, looking up at him like she feels sorry for him. Alec doesn’t hate her in general anymore, but sometimes, like right now, he still finds her really _really_ irritating. “Jace is still missing,” she says. “We’re all on edge, overtired. Just take a night off.”

“I’m fine.”

“ _You_ —”

Simon puts a hand on Clary’s shoulder, giving her some look that must mean something between the two of them.

Izzy’s frowning at him.

Alec wonders why he’s fighting so hard against this.

Simon clears his throat. “Look, Alec.” Alec full-on glares at him, but Simon doesn’t back down, doesn’t even flinch. “I’m no relationship guru, but if you don’t go back in there?” He fixes his glasses then gestures with a half-nod towards Magnus’s door. “Even _I_ know he wont wait forever.”

Alec feels the glare leave his face.

“Don’t get me wrong, he seems really into you, but…” Simon waves a hand around. “No one likes being treated like a convenient tool, you know?”

Alec gapes before he tries to speak. “I don’t…”

“You’re starting to,” Clary says, “And I get it—I’m sure Magnus gets it too. Jace is gone. But the whole time my mother was missing…” She shakes her head. “You don’t just _forget_ everyone else, Alec.” Clary puts a hand on his arm. Alec looks at it like it’s something he’s never seen before.“Okay?”

He shifts his gaze to green eyes. How does some little mundane know more about something—anything—than he does?

Oh who the hell is he _kidding_?

Alec doesn’t know shit about this. Dating. Getting close to someone. When casual touches are okay. How to comfort. How to _not_ lose your mind when you see a demon about to tear his head off. He’s not like Clary, who can put her hand on someone’s arm like it’s nothing, or Izzy who can holds hands like it’s second nature.

That’s the real problem. That’s why Alec can’t move things forward, why he’s never here and why he wants to run away now, too. He isn’t afraid of his mother, the Clave, the future of his career, or too worried about Jace to move things forward.

He’s just _clueless_. There’s a yawning void between where he is and where he wants to be, and he has no idea how to cross it.

 

* * *

 

Magnus’s loft is dark in a dreamy kind of way. The type of place Alec always used to imagine you’d sleep really well in, secretive and warm and welcoming, yet intimidating, winding, enfolding. An uncanniness found in all of its corners.The art on the walls is strange, the décor ancient and foreign and indicative of all the places and times Magnus has been that Alec can’t ever reach.

The loft is a perfect reflection of Magnus himself.Alec feels warm, just standing in it.

He scratches the back of his head and turns his gaze towards the hardwood floor, rounding the small hallway that leads into the living room.

What is he supposed to do? Isn’t it weird of him to say he’s going to leave and then just walk back in here? What should he say about the arrow? _Sorry_ , _Are you okay_ , _I’m bad at this_. Nothing at all?

When he’s inside the living room, Alec sees Magnus sitting on his couch. He has fingers pressed into each temple.They’re rubbing slowly, methodic and forceful, his eyes closed and his head leaning down. 

“Magnus?” Alec is surprised to hear himself speak, and even more so at how concerned his voice sounds. 

Magnus’s eyes open and he lifts his head.He looks stunned, and then weary. Disappointed. Resigned. “Oh, Alexander.” He smiles but it’s forced and fake. “Need something else?”

Magnus doesn’t sound angry, or upset or annoyed.He sounds like Alec was the very last person he’d expected to see in his living room, and that even though he has, there’s no reason to be glad about it.

Alec’s chest tightens.

“No. I wanted…”He looks at a black and white painting on the wall near the kitchen, words written in Indonesian he can’t understand. “Can I…” Alec wonders if Magnus ever goes to visit the home he was born in. He wonders if those memories are painful, if he has anyone to talk to who understands, now that Ragnor is dead.

“Would you like some company?” Alec asks in a rush, feels each word tumble out unheeded. He backtracks, his face already warm. “I can go, if you’re busy.”

Magnus blinks at him, his tired eyes radiating confusion for only a handful of seconds. Then his lips lengthen into a calm smile, the light from the room shifting over his face.

“Not at all.” He waves languidly at the empty place on the couch he’s sat at.

Alec stands there for a moment, feeling awkward under dark brown eyes. When Magnus raises a brow though, Alec clears his throat and walks over.

He sits down next to Magnus, only a few inches between them. Alec is stiff-shouldered, straightening the legs of his pants as he lowers himself onto the cushions.

When he looks over, Magnus is smiling at him.This one is more sincere.His chest seizes, something different from the tightness he’d been feeling for weeks. Something warmer.

The lights had been bright in the loft before Izzy, Clary, and Simon had left. Now they’re turned down low, making the lines of light and dark across Magnus blend, lessening the contrast between the glitter high along his cheeks and the deep bronze of his skin. Alec watches the low light twine through his hair, tinting it a shade of orange that matches the setting sun he can see through the window.It looks soft. Alec’s fingers twitch where they’re resting on the couch.

“How are you doing?” Magnus asks, his voice as soft and unassuming as it always is when they’re alone. Alec thinks of that first night, the way Magnus had made him laugh, how his voice had sounded the same as it does now.

How he hadn’t looked as tired as he does now.

“Good,” Alec says.

Magnus raises an eyebrow, looking at him knowingly.

“Okay,” Alec can’t help but want to laugh, just a little, “I’m worried, but I’m handling it.”

“I’m sure you do well at that.”

“Huh?”

“ _Handling_ things.”

There’s a pause, Magnus smirking at him and Alec staring blank-faced, confused until the innuendo clicks.

He scoffs, his gaze finding safety in the heavy curtains draped along a far wall.He distracts himself with wondering whether they’re satin or silk or linen and where Magnus found them, if he bought them or just snapped them up himself. 

Eventually Alec has look at him again, and when he does Magnus’s eyes catch his.He’s smiling, full and more encapturing than Alec has ever found anything.

Magnus is making a joke because he doesn’t want to force Alec to talk about anything. Alec knows it as easy as he knows every rune on his own body.Magnus is giving him a way out.And Alec appreciates it, doesn’t react well to being backed into a wall, but he sort of wishes Magnus would push, just a little.Because then this would be easier. 

They need to talk, Alec knows. He wants to talk.About Jace, Ragnor, the kiss.About how they’re both doing. About their pasts, Camille, immortality. About the date they’re supposed to go on.

But how do you do this? How do you start this? How does Alec stop it from ending before it even begins?

He doesn’t want to keep Magnus waiting. Alec wants to make him _happy_.

Feeling his heart twist painfully, he opens his mouth to say something. Anything. He’s not willing to let this slip away from him, just because he’s scared and unsure. Just because he doesn’t know how.

Alec looks at brown eyes for as long as he can as he asks, “How- How are you?”

Magnus’s smile widens, taking up more of his honey-coloured face. “I’ve got a roaring headache and I’m starving, but someone perfectly _gorgeous_ is in my living room at the moment so I can hardly complain.”

Alec feels his cheeks go warm. He falters for a second, mouth opening only a breath while his inhibitions try to reel him in. He doesn’t let them. Gripping at his knees, Alec looks from Magnus’s chest to his hairline then at his eyes. He wonders again why Magnus always keeps them glamoured.“I’m happy to distract,” he says, heart pounding as the words come out without a hitch.

Magnus looks surprised for a moment, but the smile returns soon enough. “Oh, _are_ you?”

Alec’s breath hitches at the overt and playful tone.He looks at Magnus’s high cheek bones, at the angular curve of his jaw, down every taut tendon of his neck and around to his adam’s apple. He feels his body react, his chest tightening with something indelible. He wants to place his fingers on Magnus’s forehead and follow the lines his eyes have made a hundred times by now. He wants to take his hand and set it over his heart and try to get Magnus to understand that he wants so much more than he can say.

“Magnus,” Alec says, ears ringing like he’s drowning, “I’m sorry.”

Magnus regards him with worry, lips pursed in confusion. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I do.” Alec rubs a palm over his mouth, looking down at small space between them on the couch.

Magnus’s voice drags his gaze back up. “Alexander, you only shot me because I stepped into your firing line. I’ve never fought with an archer watching my back. It was my mistake.”

Alec shakes his head. “No.” He breathes out, guilt all-consuming. “Well, I’m sorry about that too. If I’d hit you somewhere else…”

“You did not hit me.”

“I—”

“We can go over strategies if you like, so I don’t mess it up again,” Magnus says.He turns towards Alec, their knees almost touching.They’re facing each other now, closer than they have been in weeks, and Alec’s breath catches. He lets his eyes wander over Magnus’s face, lingers on every anglecreated by the soft lights around them. “But I won’t let you blame yourself.”

“I shouldn’t have run down after you.”

“Maybe not.” Magnus smiles. “But it was _very_ romantic, Alexander.”

Alec knows his cheeks are pink now, and is twice as sure when his voice comes out an octave too high. “You told me to go.”

Magnus laughs under his breath, his teeth showing, their knees bumping once. Alec feels a swell of warmth spread inside his abdomen. He wants to reach out and set a hand on Magnus’s knee, he wants to lie back and pull Magnus down along the couch with him.

“I promise you the first few seconds I realized you’d come after me, I was completely charmed,” Magnus says, grinning brightly. “I’d been starting to wonder if you still…”

Magnus’s hands ball into fists, and the bright smile dies.

“I—”

“And you know Alec, I don’t expect anything.” His fingers find the rings he wears, tugging and spinning them. “If you’ve changed your mind, it’s alright. There are a lot of men in this world.”

Alec frowns. “What?”

Magnus shrugs. The action looks small, too impartial and quiet, too unlike him. “I understand if you don’t want to start something with the first one to bide for your affections.”

All the warmth he’d felt vanishes like it’d been nothing more than water vapour dissolving into the wide, endless sky. Alec feels cold, like he’s lost all his vitality, like he’d missed something more important than he’d realized.

“It’s…” Magnus starts.Alec watches as he swallows and his long throat dips and he hardens his shoulders, sitting up straight.Defensive. He’s gripping at his knees again, knuckles turning a lighter shade of bronze. “I’ll understand, Alec. So please just _tell_ me what—”

“No.” Alec’s voice is thick with panic. He looks at the hands gripping at Magnus’s knees, his heart kicking against his chest, and he reaches a hand out to take one, holding it tight. Alec keeps his eyes on their hands, his nerves buzzing. “I don’t… I don’t know how to do this.”

Magnus’s hand twitches under his.

“But I…” Alec lets his eyes travel from their hands up Magnus’s arms, along the outline of every toned muscle, up his strong shoulders and to his neck, then down his solid chest to his hips, his thighs, his calves, all the way to his socked feet.He shifts his gaze just an inch to look at the floor. “I want you,” Alec says, his voice low and rasped. “I just don’t know how.”

Alec lifts his eyes to run over Magnus’s chest again, wonders what it feels like to fall asleep with his head lying on it, wonders what it feels like to wake up wrapped in his arms, kiss his collar bone and roll them over so Magnus is on top of him.He’s wondered for years what it feels like to be held by another man.

“I want to start this,” Alec says, his voice falling nearly silent. When he meets Magnus’s eyes again finally, Magnus looks like he’s in a daze. “What do I do?”

Magnus shakes his head, tipping it down between them and laughing quietly.

“Sorry.”

“No—” When Magnus lifts his head again, his smile is clear and fond. “Alec, there are no rules to this.” He leans forward just a fraction more. “How do you want it to start?”

Alec’s heart pounds so hard he thinks he might fall over. “Can I…” His eyes drop to Magnus’s hands again, the his gold painted nails gleaming in the low lights of the room.“Can I hold your hand?”

Magnus laughs again. Alec thinks his ears are turning red.

“You already are.”

Alec shifts in his seat. “No, I mean…”He moves his hand off of Magnus’s, keeping it only a few inches above. “Turn yours around - please.”

“Oh,” Magnus says once he understands, and turns his hand palm-up on his knee.

Slowly, Alec sets his own hand back over Magnus’s, this time palm-to-palm. He lets his larger one envelope delicate fingers, feels immediately how much softer Magnus’s are compared to his.They’re gentle, not as boney, and warm. Heat builds slowly up at his arm at the contact.The feeling is better than he’d imagined, expands like a forest of flowers blooming all the way to his head, making him dizzy.He runs a thumb over the back of Magnus’s hand, and when Magnus copies the act, all the heat running up to Alec’s head doubles over.

Magnus smiles again. Alec doesn’t think he’s ever seen anything better than Magnus smiling over and over again.

“It’s nice, isn’t it,” Magnus says.

Alec hears himself sigh.

“You keep surprising me, Alexander.” When Alec tries to catch brown eyes, Magnus is instead looking at their hands. “I honestly thought you were here to tell me you no longer wanted to try this.”

Guilt carries through Alec as Magnus’s words pass through his ears. He grips the hand he’s holding tighter. He doesn’t want someone else—the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind until Magnus mentioned it moments ago.

Able to say nothing for the moment, he brings Magnus’s hand up to his mouth, pressing bronze knuckles against his lips. 

Alec kisses them two at a time, barely moving his mouth to make it anything more than a touch.He hears Magnus inhale, small and sharp. Alec slides his hand up, dragging his lips down the back of it, letting them catch on warm skin. He sets a kiss on Magnus’s outer wrist, then turns his hand over, holding the base of Magnus’s hand in his palm. Alec kisses the inside of his wrist next. He feels a shiver run through him, wonders if it had started from him, or Magnus, or both.

“Alec…”

He shifts his hand to cradle the back of Magnus’s, closing his eyes, feels his heart stutter. Alec presses his lips to the palm of Magnus’s hand and stays there.

“Alexander.”

Alec keeps his eyes shut. He thinks if he looks he might run away, and doesn’t want there to be an end to this. Not when his heart has finally let go, is finally focusing. He holds Magnus’s hand, sliding his fingers in between each of his softer ones, lingering in the sensation, the sandalwood smell, the way Magnus had said his name, bewildered, overcome, surprised, disbelieving.

Alec pulls on Magnus’s hand until his whole arm moves, setting his palm on Alec’s cheek and jaw.He leaves his own hand over Magnus’s.

Alec opens his eyes, face hot and heart pounding.

He swallows, thick and slow, before looking at Magnus’s eyes.

They’re green, pupils slitted.Alec’s heart skips as he searches them wildly.He wonders if Magnus knows he’d dropped the glamour or if it’s an uncontrolled reaction. If Alec had _caused_ it.The green cat eyes are focused on him like there’s nothing else in the entire world — Alec can’t breathe.

He can’t look away either, even though staring at him makes it harder to talk.

“Can I - Can I stay the night?”

“Will you stay the night?”

They ask with the same breath.

Magnus dissolves into soft laughter, smiling throughout it, his head bowing like it had before. Alec feels heat rise to his cheeks. He can’t believe he’d managed to make the words come out of his mouth, can’t believe he’d managed to stay here with him, can’t believe Magnus’s eyes are his real eyes for the first time. If it’s intentional then they’re _for_ Alec; if it’s unintentional then they’re _because_ of him. Either scenario is too much. Either way, his heart is flooded.

As Magnus lifts his head up, recovering from the laugh, Alec watches the way the muscles in his neck shift.He drops his eyes just below his shoulder, where his arrow had pierced through. 

“Magnus,” Alec says, his voice weak and wavering.He grips the hand held at his cheek tighter. “Can I kiss you?” 

“Mm, I don’t know.” Magnus smiles, small and playful, his voice dropping low. Alec’s gaze fills with the flecks of glitter over his lashes, the folding layers of green in his eyes, the black slits of his pupils. “ _Can_ you?” Magnus leans in closer as he asks.

Alec’s eyes drop to his pink mouth. He feels Magnus’s hand where it’s holding his jaw and cheek, and something about their position changes his mind. “Actually,” he starts, face blaring bright red, “Will you kiss me?”

Magnus looks surprised for a moment, eyebrows climbing up his forehead and pupils blowing wide.Then he smiles, his expression relaxing.Alec feels the hand on his face shift, a thumb rubbing along his jaw. Magnus’s smile is the same soft one he made the first time Alec had met him, but it’s more private now, all the moments they’ve shared shining between their held gazes.

“I’d love to,” Magnus says, articulating each word to completion, leaned in close enough for Alec to feel every breath from every syllable. 

His gasp is small and from the back of his throat when Magnus moves the rest of the way in. He tilts Alec’s head slightly sideways as he presses their lips together.The contact is immediate and warm, the hand at his jaw cradling his head as Alec is kissed slowly. There’s a faint and sudden surge of silk-soft magic from Magnus, and Alec wonders if it’d been unintentional too.

“Your eyes,” Alec breathes, moving back only enough to speak. He’s shaking a little. But when he looks over at Magnus he sees fear wash over his face and nothing in the world could stop Alec from clarifying. “You don’t need to hide them around me,” he says, “Unless you want to.”

Magnus stares at him for a long moment, curious and coy and happy all at once. His eyes are beautiful, but Alec is sure other people have told Magnus so. He doesn’t see a point in repeating it. It’s more than that, anyway.They’re more than beautiful. They’re real. They’re _his_.

“I like them,” Alec says, and he leans in to kiss Magnus again.

* * *

An hour later, Alec is leaning back against the couch, Magnus’s feet in his lap.At some point they’d gotten up for food and when they’d sat back down, they’d ended up on opposite ends of the couch. Alec had decided Magnus was too far away, and had promptly dragged his feet onto his thighs, red-faced and stuttering. He’s massaging them the best he can. Alec doesn’t really know how to do it, but Magnus groans appreciatively every few minutes so he figures he’s doing alright. There’s a movie playing on a tv Magnus had conjured up neither of them are paying attention to.

Jace is still on his mind, and so is Valentine, along with his standing with the Clave. Alec is no less worried.But it feels right to be _here_ with his worries instead of ignoring his own wanting heart, instead of thinking he can’t have this.

“Alexander?” Alec blinks himself out of the daze he hadn’t realized he’d been in. Magnus laughs a little, the smile on his lips still Alec’s favourite part of the evening, his feet flexing as he does. “I’m glad you’re here,” he says, his cat eye’s locking onto Alec’s own.

Alec feels something shift inside him, like ancient dust being shook from his bones. He squeezes one of the feet in his lap.

“Me too,” he says.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
